2018 Knocked the Wind Out of Me
If you read the highlights of my 2018, you would see the greatest year of my life. Adam and I went on our first vacation as a married couple to celebrate our one year anniversary. We found out we were expecting a baby girl. It was an easy pregnancy. We had our #1 with a smooth delivery. Our girl was (and still is) a good baby. We got a third kitten. Heck, we even remodeled our bathroom - okay, that’s still a work in progress.
These highlights make 2018 one to remember. I cannot deny that. But it wasn’t a good year. I would argue that it was one of the hardest.
Early in the year, we found out Adam had somewhat high blood pressure. It quickly spiraled into terrible acid reflux, panic attacks, anxiety, and muscle pain. While I wasn’t the one dealing with it; I was dealing with it.
People always say it’s hard seeing someone you love going through something like he was. People don’t tell you that it is more than that. It's not only feeling sorry for them. It's that but also feeling sorry you also have to deal with it. It's being so frustrated at the situation but not being able to do anything. It's feeling like you have to be the strong one who is always "great" when you aren't. People don’t tell you that even on good days, you're waiting for the worst. That was hard enough, but mix that with my growing body and changing hormones.
Expecting a baby created bigger stressors for us as well. Adam and I were never in a make it or break it situation with our finances. We budgeted and knew where we stood with our debt. Don't get me wrong, we were not chasing after financial freedom, but we weren't losing sleep over our situation. When we started realizing how much babies actually cost. It got stressful very quickly. Tight months turned into "questioning if we would survive" months.
After we had #1, it took me a lot longer to adjust than most new moms. I can count on my fingers how many times I showered that first month. I skipped countless meals because I couldn’t keep up (and that was with #1 being on a schedule). I was expecting the sleepless nights, hormonal changes, and the soreness in the weeks following labor. But I wasn't expecting to not feel like myself. I wasn't expecting to feel as overwhelmed as I did. I wasn't expecting to feel as lonely as I did. I wasn't expecting any of the hard stuff. Why does everyone feel obligated to tell you the horror stories of motherhood but forget to mention the real terror: feeling a little lost.
I also felt hopeless in the world around us. Nothing was ever good with our world: violence, hate, mass shootings, political woes. Our world is terrifying. I love the internet, but it has created a news world that I hate being able to access all the time. Heck, most of the time you don't even need to seek information out, it just comes to you.
2018 was one of the worst years of my life for being a year filled with some of the best moments of my life. It knocked the wind out of me. Maybe 2019 will be me catching my breath. But no matter what, I’m hopeful this year is going to be better than last. It’s got to be.
